The Rich Little Poor Girl
by Mr. Semaj
Summary: Fed up with being the family reject, Meg runs away from home. She stays with her grandparents, were she is appointed the new Pewterschmidt heir.
1. Chapter 1

**The**

**Rich Little**

**Poor Girl**

Written by

**Mr. Semaj**

**Prologue**

**Heir Search**

In a private vault room at the Pewterschmidt mansion, Carter Pewterschmidt is closely counting his coins.

"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine……one hundred."

Carter removed his magnifier glass and wiped the sweat off his forehead after a long, stressful task.

He said satisfactorily to himself, "Finally. After fifteen days of painstaking counting, that's all $75 million dollars."

Carter exited the vault, and shut the locks tight. He walked into the living room while putting the keys into his pocket.

Babs was sitting in a chair with her reading glasses reading a book. The fireplace had a warm fire burning.

"Honey," Carter began. "I've been thinking…"

"What's on your mind?" Babs responded.

Carter explained, "Well, we've been rich for our whole lives. From your family's generation and mine."

"Of course," Babs said. "Why I remember when you first proposed to me…"

"Yeah, yeah," Carter interrupted. "The point is, what is going to happen to all of our wealth when we're put to pasture?"

"Don't ask me," Babs said. "Last time I checked, it was _your_ turn to update our living will."

Carter growled softly.

He took out a miniature photo frame of his three children. It revealed from left to right, Lois, Carol, and Patrick. Patrick's photo was crossed out in red marker.

Carter sighed. "We have three kids, yet none of them are even interested in our money. Money is _the_ source of human happiness."

Babs lamented, "Yes Carter, I know what you mean. I honestly thought Lois was our best bet. But she wasted her future on that husband of hers."

Martin Meriwether, the butler, came into the living room with a food tray.

Carter checked his watch. "Ah, tea time!"

He said to Babs, "We're never going to have a successor. We're not even famous enough to continue earning money from the grave."

"You almost had a shot when you tried to buy the Beatles' record deal," Babs said. "But then came that yokel, Ono…"

As Carter removed the lid off the food tray, the tray revealed two slices of a freshly baked apple pie, and two cups of warm chamomile tea.

"Let's face it," Carter concluded, "When we die, they are just going to give our riches away to charity, or some other gay crap."

Carter took a bite of his slice of pie.

He spit it out.

"Martin!" Carter bellowed. The chandelier above him trembled.

"Anything wrong, sir?" Meriwether called.

"Take back this awful desert!" Carter ordered. "What the hell did you make this pie from?"

"I'm sorry, sir." Meriwether said. "I make pies from memory. I lost the original recipes years ago."

"You make the worst pies!" Carter yelled. "You expect me to buy them from the friggin' bakery like some chicken-loving Black family?!"

"No sir. Sorry sir," Meriwether replied nervously. He left in a hurry with the plates.

Carter and Babs sat in their chairs uncomfortably. Carter sipped his cup of tea. He licked his chops. He still had the bland pie taste in his mouth.

"Yick."

**Act I**

**Scene I – Bubble Prank**

It was a brisk, sunny morning in Quahog. The birds were singing, and there was a gentle breeze in the air.

Meg got up to use the bathroom. But just around the corner, Chris and Stewie were playing with bubbles. They laughed at the bubbles they blew of different shapes and sizes.

Stewie saw Meg walking down the hallway. He and Chris crept up behind her. Chris took his wand, and blew extra hard. A large bubble came up, and touched Meg's hair. When Meg turned around, the bubble enclosed her head. She tried to run away, but instead got trapped inside the bubble.

Chris and Stewie laughed hysterically as the Meg bubble floated away…

**Scene II – Lois' New Job**

Later that day, Meg was reading in her room.

She heard some funky music.

She went to investigate.

The music was coming from the basement.

Meg went downstairs, and discovered a terrifying secret.

Lois was practicing lap dances on a newly-built strip pole!

"Mom!" Meg yelled.

"Oh. Hi, Meg", Lois said. She was nonchalantly puffing a cigarette.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Meg yelled.

"I guess I forgot to tell you," Lois said. "I got a job at the new strip club downtown."

"But what about your piano lessons?" Meg asked.

Lois scoffed. "Puh-leese! I want to actually _do_ something with my life. Any idiot can play a piano. It takes smarts to show off _this_." She thrusts her hips sideways as her bosom jiggled.

"By the way," Lois continued, "I'm going to get wasted tonight, so I'm looking for a designated driver."

Meg frowned, and turned the other way with her arms crossed.

"Aw come on, Meg", Lois coaxed. "It'll be a girls' night out." She placed her hand on Meg's shoulder.

Meg looked at Lois' face, to see a reassuring smile. And finally, she accepted.

**Scene III – Girls' Night Out**

That night, Lois and Meg took off together to the strip club, the Libido Lounge.

Once there, Lois got her own solo. As she put on her show, the crowd roared with praises, wolf-whistling and excitement. Some men began throwing coins on the stage.

Meg, however, did not enjoy this. She did not appreciate seeing her mother reach out to the lowest common denominator.

Someone was nudging her arm.

"Dude, is that your mom?" he asked her.

Meg covered her face, slumped in her seat, and nodded 'yes'.

"She is freaking _hot!"_ the guy said. He started screaming at the top of his lungs.

The whole club was cheering and shouting as Lois continued her dance.

After an hour and a half, Lois sat next to Meg for her break. Meg checked her watch; it was 11:45PM.

"Mom, we should be getting home. It's late." Meg warned.

Lois was quite dazed, having drank a heavy amount of liquor. She was lighting a cigarette.

"You, you go ahead without me", she said drunkenly. "This is gonna take a while." She puffed a large cloud of smoke in Meg's face.

Meg walked out of the club, coughing hard.

**Scene IV – No Dinner**

Meg returned home at the stroke of midnight. When she came in the front door, the rest of the family was sitting on the couch.

"Oh there you are," Peter said. "Where's Lois?"

"She sent me home alone," Meg said dejectedly.

"What the hell are you upset about?" Peter asked. "Aren't you glad your mother's got a new job?"

"No!" Meg replied annoyed. "I mean, I want Mom to have a job, but not _this_. She has no conscience whatsoever."

"Aw, lighten up," Stewie said. "For once, I got that vile woman out of my hair, which gives me plenty of time to pick out my new wardrobe." He presents a metrosexual magazine.

A brief moment of silence.

"Am I the only one who's outraged?!" Meg asked. "Dad, talk some sense into Mom. At least you and Chris got decent jobs."

"Um…no." Peter stated.

"What do you mean?" Meg asked.

Peter continued, "I quit my job just this morning. Your mother is going to be making enough money for the both of us now."

"Yes." Brian added sarcastically. "Two halves, but neither logic makes a whole."

Meg groaned as she slumped on the floor in front of the TV.

"Don't worry Meg," Chris said. "I'm keeping my newspaper route so I can open up a savings account."

"Well, that sounds neat," Meg said unsurely.

"Okay I lie," Chris admitted. "I'm saving up so I can catch the Evil Monkey in my closest."

Meg said, "Chris, you don't have an Evil Monkey. We all know you're making it up!"

Chris looked up the stairs, and saw the Monkey pointing menacingly at him. No one else saw him.

"I'm going to bed." Meg sighed.

"Wait a minute," Peter said. "Who's going to fix dinner?"

"You mean you guys haven't eaten yet?" Meg asked.

"Well, Lois always cooks dinner," Brian explained. "I suggested we order out, but that seems to be lost on everyone's mind."

"I…could cook something," Meg said.

Peter, Chris, and Stewie all laughed.

"_You_, cooking?" Stewie asked. "Your cooking is probably worse than your grotesque body fat."

"The talking football is right," Peter said.

"But then why did you ask---" Meg started to say.

"Never mind," Peter said. "I'm ordering a pizza just to end this discussion."

Brian rolled his eyes and sighed.

**Scene V – Pizza Tirade**

Half an hour later, the pizza delivery came. The family gathered at the couch and ate some pizza.

Peter stuffed two slices down his throat. He could barely chew them properly.

Meg came back from the kitchen with a jar of green olives. She put some olives on her slice of pizza.

Peter spit his two unfinished slices back into the box.

"Meg," he said. "Haven't you had enough for one night?"

"What do you mean?" Meg asked.

"You can't be happy with the pizza you get," Peter sneered. "It's always something extra that the pizza is missing. All the while, you're getting fatter and fatter every day!"

Meg charged, "You're the fattest one in the whole family!"

"That may be, but you are a girl," Peter said, pointing at Meg's belly, "and girls are not supposed to be fat."

Chris chuckled, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were already showing. You and Mrs. Swanson could be sisters!"

"And you'd _still_ be the ugly one!" Stewie said.

Stewie was laughing in front of a heartbroken Meg.

"Oh, by the way," Stewie said. "I don't want to become a stuffed turkey like you. Have the last of my piece of pizza!"

He chucked his unfinished slice of pizza right into Meg's face.

Peter, Chris, and Stewie were all laughing, while Meg's eyes filled with tears.

Meg started to break down, but something snapped inside of her. Her sadness was quickly replaced with rage on her tomato-smeared face.

She screamed very loud, so loud, it broke a mirror. She threw her unfinished pizza slice into Peter's face, ran upstairs screaming again, with her face cherry red, and slammed her door, shaking the house. Her portrait hanging on the wall fell off.

Suddenly, the door bell rang. Peter answered it, and it was Lois accompanied by Joe.

"Peter," Joe said. "I found your wife showing off her hoo-ha on the street corner. Make sure it doesn't happen again."

Joe, already off-duty, went home.

Lois was terribly unkempt and in a drunken stupor. She stammered and tried to speak, but just fell on the floor.

**Scene VI – No More**

Meg was crying in her bed.

When she stopped, some familiar voices echoed through her head.

"You're a girl, you're not supposed to be fat," Peter said.

"I got a new job at the new strip club downtown," Lois said.

"Bubbles," Chris said laughing.

"You're the ugly one. You sicken me!" Stewie said.

Meg thought about it. She began to wonder _why_ she has taken so much abuse for all these years. Not just from her family, but all of Quahog. It just didn't make any sense. And all there was to look forward to was more unwarranted abuse in the future.

But not anymore. She had enough.

Meg decided to run away from home.

After everyone had went to bed and fallen asleep, Meg finally came out of her bedroom. She tip-toed down the stairs with two suitcases in her arms. She walked quietly towards the front door.

As she slowly opened the door, she began to have second thoughts. But as she was standing there, with the moonlight shining into the living room, she heard her mother, sleeping right on the floor next to her foot, mumbling. She was mumbling unpleasant words in her sleep.

"For God's sake Meg, get some real friends. Not those geeks you hang out with."

That did it. Meg had made up her mind. She opened the door all the way, bumping Lois in the head, and slammed it. Surprisingly, Lois was unaffected.

As Meg walked down Spooner Street, clouds began to cover the moon. The wind picked up a little bit. Of course Meg didn't care, as she had other things on her mind.

As she walked out of the neighborhood, the first flurries of the season fell in the town of Quahog.


	2. Chapter 2

**The **

**Rich Little **

**Poor Girl**

Written by

**Mr. Semaj**

**Act II**

**Scene I – Bus Depot**

Meg arrived at the bus depot at the crack of dawn. While she was waiting for the ticket booths to open, she called Kevin on her cell phone.

Kevin was still asleep when his phone rang. He got up and picked up the phone from his bed.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hi Kevin, it's me," Meg said.

"Hi Meg," Kevin said. "It's a little early. What are you up to?"

"I'm running away." she said.

"What? Why?" asked Kevin.

Meg explained, "Why? Because I've had it. I'm tired of being everybody's punching bag. I'm always paying for everybody else's ignorance."

"Gee, I'm sorry", Kevin said. "You can stay with us if you'd like. You can have my bed."

"Thanks, but no", Meg declined. "For some reason, your parents aren't very fond of me."

"I can't imagine why," Kevin said. "Our parents get along well. And we get along well with each other."

"And that's why I'm leaving Quahog," Meg said. "There's…just no place for me."

"But where are you going to go?" Kevin asked.

Meg took a moment to think about it.

"I don't know. I'm just going to stay with my grandparents for a while." Meg said. "It's been a while since I've seen them. I'll call you back when I get there. Bye."

Then she thought to herself, "I hope I have enough money with me."

As she put away her cell phone, the ticket booth opened.

"Good morning, young lady." said the ticket lady. "How can I help you?"

"I'd like a ticket, please." Meg said. "One way."

"Where to?" the ticket lady asked.

"Newport, Rhode Island." Meg answered.

"Very well," said the ticket lady, "that will be $35."

"Fine," Meg said. She gave her $35. She got her ticket.

"Thank you, have a nice day." ticket lady said.

As Meg walked away, she mumbled to herself, "So much for breakfast."

**Scene II – Off to the Pewterschmidts**

Meg boarded the bus to Newport. The bus took off.

The bus traveled through a scenic route. Meg just sat quietly, and stared out the window, thinking long, sad thoughts.

By about noon, Meg's bus had arrived at Newport. She got off the bus. It was just a short walk to the Pewterschmidt manor. By then, the Rhode Island area had received a light blanket of snow.

Soon, Meg made it to the manor. She walked through the lush front lawn, and to the front steps.

She rang the doorbell. The door was answered by Meriwether.

"Name, please." he said.

"Meg Griffin", Meg said.

"Purpose?" Meriwether asked.

"I'm Mr. Pewterschmidt's granddaughter. I need a place to stay." Meg explained.

After a momentary pause, Meriwether cautiously relented. "Very well."

Meg walked into the manor. Some soft baroque was playing in the background.

Carter and Babs were sitting together in the living room, thinking to themselves. It was a rather slow day.

Meriwether came in.

"Mr. Pewterschmidt, Mrs. Pewterschmidt," he announced, "your granddaughter is here to see you."

"Megan?" Babs asked.

Then, a beautiful thought crossed her mind.

"Of course, the grandchild!"

She whispered her idea to Carter, who was lighting his pipe.

He puffed.

And puffed.

And puffed.

Then, he finally understood Babs' idea.

"Indeed."

Carter and Babs walked into the foyer, accompanied by Meriwether, to meet their guest. They were a little surprised to see Meg alone. Meg had settled her bags and was removing her jacket.

"Meg! What brings you here?" Carter asked.

"Where is the rest of the family?" Babs asked.

Meg sighed, and was about to explain.

"It had to happen sooner or later," Carter said, having already an idea of what happened.

"Meg, honey," Babs started to tell, "we knew that you were not fit with your uneducated family. We wonder why you put up with it for so long."

"I don't know," Meg started to break down, holding back tears, "but…but not anymore!"

Then she started crying. She ran into her grandmother's arms.

"Aw, don't cry, my child," Babs said. "You'll stain Nana's dress."

Carter spoke, "Look Meg, you came to us at the right time. You need a place to stay, and we need someone to look after the family wealth when we're no longer around. How would you like to be the heir to the Pewterschmidt fortunes?"

Meg seemed a little confused.

"You mean…me?" she asked. "But…what about Aunt Carol?"

"Carol," Babs said, "went off to pursue her own endeavors after she graduated from college, though not very successfully. Although she currently owns a ranch in Texas, she is going through her 14th divorce."

Carter whispered in Babs' ear.

"_15__th_ divorce," Babs corrected herself.

"And of course you know about your mom and Uncle Patrick", Babs continued.

"Yes." Meg said.

Babs smiled. "I'm glad you understand, child. We see great things for you. You'll be nurtured into a full, blossoming flower. Everything you've ever dreamed of and more!"

"So how about it, Meg?" Carter asked. "Will you be the new heir to the Pewterschmidt name?"

Meg nodded 'yes'.

"Welcome aboard," Carter said.

Meg smiled and bounced with delight. "Oh, thank you, thank you, _thank you_, guys!" She gave her grandparents a big hug.

"However," Babs interrupted, "I am willing to forego your need for liposuction provided you get an immediate change of wardrobe."

Meg looked down at her clothes, while Babs rung one of the servant bells. Meriwether walked into the foyer.

Babs instructed to him, "Martin, accompany my granddaughter to the nearest wardrobe closest."

"Aye aye, madam," he replied.

Meg walked warily behind Meriwether.

**Scene III – New Wardrobe**

Up the stairway, Meriwether led Meg to an old room.

"Wow," Meg said, "this is Mom's old room."

"Of course," Meriwether said. "Your mother was quite the beauty queen in her days. I wonder what she does with her looks these days..."

"You don't want to know," Meg muttered.

Meriwether opened the closet. "Here we are; her pageant collection." He pulled out one of the dresses and gave it to Meg.

Meg held the dress up against her to see if it fit.

Meriwether smiled sweetly. "It's a little worn in, but I think it looks dashing on you!"

"Do you really think so?" Meg asked.

"Absolutely, sport," said Meriwether. "Once we're through, you will be the White version of Queen Latifah!"

About an hour later, Meg walked down the stairs, strutting off an all-new outfit. Her grandparents were waiting in the living room.

"Look at her, Carter", Babs exclaimed. "She is a true Pewterschmidt."

**Scene IV – Where's Meg?**

Meanwhile, back in Quahog, Lois continued her job at the Libido Lounge. She was dancing on stage, and gaining an uproarious applause, as money spilled onto the stage.

But before she finished, the spotlight diverted its attention to another stripper. This brunette stripper was much thinner than Lois, but had a larger bustline. She danced gracefully, and gained an ever bigger applause as her jugs jiggled hypnotically.

Lois just stood there, glaring at he new rival. The she stared down at her own body, unsatisfactorily, and drank a large bottle of beer.

She fainted.

That cold evening, Lois returned home. Her car was parked crookedly, and had apparently taken a few hits.

She tried to open the front door. But she had forgotten her keys. She tried to bang on the door, but to no avail.

Then, she tried ramming it a couple times, until she slipped on the ice covering the stoop, and crashed into the living room window. Glass was shattered all over the floor.

Inside, the walls, the floor, and the furniture were all dirty. Nothing had been cleaned for days.

"Hey everyone," Lois said drowsily.

"Hey Lois," Peter said. Peter was sitting on the couch in his underwear. He hadn't been to work in days.

"How's your job going?" he asked.

Lois could only give an inarticulate description. "My job? What about my job? All I do is show off my boobies, and they give me money. Nothing to it."

She kept stumbling, too drunk to stand up straight.

Brain noticed how thin she had gotten. Her ribs were already partially visible.

"Lois, maybe it's time you had something to eat," Brian suggested.

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Lois stated belligerently. "So I can look like some fat, ugly heifer that I had seventeen years ago? You're saying I'm more unattractive than that?"

Brian paused briefly, not understanding a word of Lois' tirade. "No."

"By the way, has anybody seen Meg?" Lois asked. "It's my period, and I need to borrow her hairbrush."

"Yeah, where is Meg?" Peter asked. "It's almost time for me to make fun of how worthless she is to this family again."

"Maybe it's time we told her about her creepy boyish habits," Stewie added. He shuddered just thinking about them.

"Are you going to tell her that you're not her real dad?" Chris asked.

"Patience, my son, patience," Peter answered.

Everyone but Brian started laughing. He finally spoke up.

"What is wrong with you people?!"

Everyone stopped laughing and stared blankly at him.

"Don't you see," he continued, "_this_ is probably why Meg left. What kind of fing family is this?"

He walked away angrily.

Everyone stood in silence, not sure what else to say.

Lois stuck her finger down her throat, and vomited on the living room floor.

**Scene V – Bed Time**

Meg was in her new bedroom, writing on her computer diary.

"…And the day at the shopping district has truly made this the best day ever."

Carter Pewterschmidt calls from outside her bedroom. "Lights out, Meg."

Meg shut off her laptop, and walked to bed. She jumped on, and lied down to rest.

But as she lied there, the mattress started to sink. Really deep. It felt like she had fallen into a quicksand bog. She sank deeper and deeper, until she hit the bottom of what appeared to be a bottomless pit.

Meg was not prepared to sleep in an air chamber deep insider her mattress, so she jumped up to the top of the bed, barely holding a grip. Carter was standing at the side of her bed.

"How do you like your new mattress?" he asked.

"It's a little…soft," Meg replied. She kept having to reach her arms out to keep from sinking back in.

"Nonsense," said Carter. "Just give it a few nights to conform to your Body Mass Index. Only seven of these mattresses still exist around the world."

"That's nice," Meg began to say, but was sinking again, and was losing her grip.

"I'm glad you agree," Carter said, as he shut the door. "Good night, Meg."

Meg sank back into the mattress. Her pillow and blanket disappeared with her.

The next morning, Meg was in a deep sleep in her air chamber. She slowly woke up, and did a long yawn and stretch. She jumped up to the top of the bed.

Out in the dining room, Carter and Babs were eating breakfast. Meg walked in.

"Oh there you are Megan," Babs said. "Did you have a good night's rest?"

Meg restrained a yawn as she replied, "Yes, verily."

"We're not surprised," Carter said. "You were called for breakfast an hour ago."

Meg was feeling a little hungry. "Great! What are we having?"

"Pancakes," Babs answered. "Buttermilk, with plenty of syrup, and a side of crisp bacon."

As Meriwether brought in another tray of pancakes, Meg revealed a big smile on her face…

**Scene VI – Griffins in Disarray**

Several days later, Chris was on his normal paper route. After he finished with the seventh block, he sat down to take a break. While he was reading the paper, he discovered a surprising article.

"_Heiress to the Pewterschmidts"_, read the headline of the Town & Region section. And there was Meg, photographed in a classy smile.

Meanwhile, back at the Griffins' house, the family was in disarray.

Brian was at the kitchen table typing frantically on the calculator. He took out another sheet from an already tall list of unpaid bills and tickets. What he saw before him was yet another ticket, this time for driving without a license.

"Dammit, Lois!" Brian shouted.

Chris walked into the kitchen, and saw how fatigued Brian was. Brian had desperately been trying to keep up with the family finances when Lois' job began to fail, and Peter, not realizing what was going on, refused to go back to work.

Chris walked out of the kitchen, and into the living room. Peter was lying on the carpet, with the TV up full blast, and still in his underwear. He hadn't bathed in quite awhile. Chris turned down the volume.

"Dad," Chris said, "don't you think it's time you went back to work?"

"No way son," Peter said. "When you grow older, you too will experience the joy of the working woman. Your mother is going to make us millionaires! Trust me; you play your cards right, and marry the right woman, you'll never have to work a day in your life."

"Um, Dad," Chris said. "I don't know if you noticed, but Mom quit work two days ago."

"A closed door leads to another opened one," Peter said.

"She's out on the streets giving hand jobs to homeless bums!" Chris yelled.

"Ah, thinking outside the box," Peter said, still not realizing the scenario. "Now _that's_ the woman I married."

"She hasn't made any money at all since that new whore stole her thunder at the strip club, dammit!" Chris said. "Look at this place!"

He pointed to piled garbage, shattered glass bottles, and used cigarettes all over the floor and on the furniture. The large hole left in the living room window was sloppily covered with Scotch tape.

He continued, "We're going down under, and not to Syndey! We haven't had a real dinner in more than a week! We're on the verge of poverty, Dad! And my newspaper route can only take us so far!"

Peter tried to understand what his distraught son had just told him.

"Hey, good luck with that," he said. "At least we don't have to take care of that ugly sister of yours. Consider that a blessing."

"She's doing better than we are!" Chris shouted. He showed his delusional father the front headline.

Peter took it, and skimmed through it.

"Oh my God, Meg!"

It was then Peter finally began to understand how much trouble his family was in.

The doorbell rang. Peter answered it. It was Joe, once again with Lois in his hand.

"Excuse me, Peter. Does this belong to you?"

"You know it does, Joe." Peter said.

Joe replied, "I caught it at the corner humping a streetlight. I suggest you KEEP YOUR BITCH ON A LEASH!"

He dropped Lois on the floor and handed Peter yet another ticket as he left.

Lois had become skin and bones, suffering the worst from her anorexia. She was so weak, that she could barely move her limbs. Each time she moved, her bones rattled. She had an unlit cigarette in her mouth.

Stewie came downstairs, dressed in flamboyant clothes. He headed to the front door, and saw his motionless mother lying there.

Stewie said, "You know, I was going to join her on her manhunt, but I see this is a bad time." He walked away.

Chris was beginning to survey the troubles surrounding the household. Something had to be done.

**Scene VII – The New Chef **

Meg, Carter, Babs, and Meriwether spent part of the afternoon at the park taking portraits.

Later that day, back at the mansion, Meriwether was once again attempting to make a pie. He was very nervous from before, as he tried his best to get the correct measurements for the recipe.

At some point, Meg came into the kitchen for a snack. She observed Meriwether's cooking.

"Um, don't you think you're putting in too much flour?" Meg asked.

"Well Meg," Meriwether answered, "I'm trying my best to follow the recipe to make the best pie yet."

Meg skimmed through the recipe for baked apple pie.

"Where's the cinnamon?" she asked.

"Not in the book," Meriwether said.

Meg sighed.

She said, "Mr. Meriwether, you cannot make fine recipes by following letter by letter. I know. I've tried it with fruit salads."

"But up until today," Meriwether explained, "I've been making deserts from memory. Your grandparents are very specific on their tastes."

"Listen," Meg said, "memory is only part of what you need to cook. As is the book. What matters is if your heart is in it.

See, you make deserts out of fear. That doesn't work. The best recipes are made out of love and passion."

"I'm afraid I don't follow, sport," Meriwether admitted.

Meg grabbed an apron and washed her hands.

"Here," she said. "I'll show you how _I_ do it…"

About ninety minutes later, Babs noticed Meg working with Meriwether in the kitchen.

"Goodness, child!" Babs gasped. "Why are you wearing an apron?"

Meg said, "It's alright, Nana. I got it under control."

"Meg honey, we pay Martin to do the cooking for us. Leave the manual labor to the manual laborers."

"Nana, I'm just showing him how to bake a pie." Meg said. "I do it all the time at home." She took the completed pie out of the oven.

Babs scoffed. "Blue collar..."

"No, hand to God, Mrs. Pewterschmidt," Meriwether said. "It just takes some time, patience, and love. I'm pretty sure you will _love_ this new recipe."

"Here, have a piece?" Meg offered her grandmother a taste of the apple pie.

Babs cautiously took a bite off of the fork. She chewed, and suddenly, she was overwhelmed with a flavored sensation.

"Meg, this is the best apple pie I have had since I was a child!" Babs said delightfully. "Wherever did you get the recipe?"

"Different sources," Meg answered. "But sometimes, you have to be original."

"Agreed," Babs said. "I know who's going to be hosting our holiday feast this year."

Meg smiled sweetly, as Meriwether gave her a pat on the head.

**Scene VIII – Grandparents' Intervention**

The phone rang. Meriwether gave the phone to Carter.

"It's for you, sir," he said.

Carter was practicing his golf strokes.

"Leave a message, I'm busy," he said.

"It's urgent, sir," Meriwether said. "It's your grandson."

Carter changed his frame of thought, and took the call.

"Carter!" Babs called from the kitchen. "Come see what your granddaughter has baked for us!"

"Just a minute," Carter says.

Carter answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Grampa?" It was Chris.

"Hello Chris," Carter said. "How are you doing?"

"Bad," Chris replied. "Grampa, can I speak to Meg?"

Carter thought about it.

Then he said, "Gee, I don't know. I presume there is something important that you don't want to share with me?"

"Okay. We're all falling apart here!" Chris explained. "The bills aren't getting paid. Mom and Dad haven't been working in almost two weeks. Brian is on the verge of a breakdown. Stewie is confused! I'm already working two additional paper routes just to make ends met. I don't know what else to do!"

"Hmmm," Carter surveys the cry for help.

"From what I recall, Megan set sails due to her bastard family, is that right?"

"I guess…" Chris answered.

Carter continued, "Between your negligent mother and your daft father, I'm not at all surprised.

Nevertheless, you and Stewie are more than welcome to live with me and your grandmother. Your sister's got the right idea."

"I can't, Grampa." Chris said. "What about Mom, Dad, and Brian?"

"They'll manage somehow." Carter said. "Your mother seems perfectly happy without me trying to stop her."

Chris stood for a bit, not knowing what else to do.

"Well…thanks for nothing." Chris said.

"Take care," Carter says.

They hang up.

All hope was lost. The Griffins were once again in trouble, and this time, no one would come to their rescue.


	3. Chapter 3

**The **

**Rich Little **

**Poor Girl**

Written by

**Mr. Semaj**

**Act III**

**Scene I - Rehab**

Back in Quahog, Lois was visiting the Swansons' house one evening.

Lois and Bonnie were sitting together on the couch.

"So Lois, how's your new 'job' going?" Bonnie asked.

"That's…kinda what I wanted to talk to you about," Lois said hesitantly.

She dropped the unlit cigarette from her mouth. When she picked it up, her bones rattled each time she moved. Lois was incredibly thin from her bout with anorexia. Bonnie cringed at the bone rattling.

Lois picked up the cigarette, and took a seat.

"Listen Bonnie," she continued. "I've….been a little short on dollar signs lately. Could you be a sweet and give me a generous donation?"

Bonnie made a face of disapproval.

Kevin walked by.

"Bye, Mom. Going out for a bit," Kevin said.

"Bye, honey," Bonnie said.

Bonnie explained to Lois, "Listen, I'd like to help, but we just spent a high amount at Salvation Army. Joe is waiting for his next check, and I…."

Lois stared sadly into Bonnie's eyes. It was such a plea of desperation that Bonnie gave in.

"Well…okay."

As she pulled out a $20 bill, she whispered, "Don't tell Joe."

But just then, two cops burst thru the front door. They came to arrest Lois.

"FREEZE!" They loaded their guns and aimed at Lois.

"Alright," stated one of the cops. He took out a list. "You're under arrest for loitering, indecent exposure, littering, larceny, DUI, driving without a license, DWI, driving with a baby in your lap, and…eight other charges made just today." He put away the list.

The second cop added, "And it looks like she's moved onto lesbian handouts."

"Dude, that's Joe's wife," replied the first cop.

"Oh," said the second cop, feeling sheepish.

They threw a pair of handcuffs on Lois. She looked accusingly at Bonnie.

"Lois, I swear I didn't know!" Bonnie cried.

"I did." Joe came into the living room.

"Sorry Lois," Joe said. "Your crude behavior has left me no choice. You're going to rehab."

"NO!" Lois screamed. "IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!"

She struggled, but the cops carried her away. As the police car left, and passed the Griffins' house, Chris watched in horror as her mother was sent off to rehab.

**Scene II - Sleepover**

That same evening, Meg and Meriwether were decorating the Christmas tree in the foyer. They spent the day together looking for a tree.

"Thanks for letting me decorate the tree, Mr. Meriwether," Meg said.

"It's nothing," said Meriwether. "It's the least I can do for the new recipes you shared with me."

He stopped, and then said, "You know, you are quite a gifted young lady."

Meg laughed as he gave her a rub on the head.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Meg said.

She answered it. It was Kevin.

"Ah, Kevin!" Meg said excitedly. "Did you have any trouble getting here?"

"Not at all," Kevin said, as he took his coat and boots off. "Thank you, MapQuest."

Meg and Kevin walked into the foyer.

"Mr. Meriwether," Meg said, "this is my boyfriend, Kevin Swanson."

"Hello," Kevin said. They shook hands.

"Charmed to meet you," Meriwether replied.

He continued, "Megan, you've got yourself quite a hunk there. Your grandparents will be so proud."

"Megan!" Carter called disapprovingly. He walked into the foyer and saw Kevin.

"Who is this?" he asked.

"This is Kevin, Grampa," Meg answered. "I invited him for a sleepover."

"Absolutely not!" Carter stated. "No sleepovers until after you're married."

Carter, who was doing something else, called into the next room.

"Babs! Where's the instruction manual for the barbell set?"

Babs answered. "Check your pockets!"

He searched his pockets.

"Nope," Carter said.

"Keep looking!" Babs said.

He turned back to Meg and Kevin. "As I was saying Megan, I will not have this boy in my house!"

Meg and Kevin looked hopelessly at each other.

"Martin, I need help setting up my barbell set," Carter told him.

"Oh, I'd be honored to, Mr. Pewterschmidt," Meriwether said, "except…I'm not in the best physical shape right now." He was hanging his left arm as if he had pulled a muscle.

"I kinda pulled one reaching for that star up top," he said pointing at the tree. "But I'm okay. I'm up for another risk."

"No-no," Carter relented. "Our insurance doesn't cover servant injuries."

He sighed, and said to Kevin, "Boy, come with me."

"Yes sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt!" Kevin stated.

As Kevin took off with Carter, they passed Meriwether. Meriwether turned to Meg and gave a complimentary wink.

Meg winked back.

His ruse worked successfully.

Later, Kevin and Meg were in Meg's bedroom. They were finishing the rest of the blueberry pie Meg baked.

"Thanks, Meg. I really loved your pie."

"Thank you for helping my grandfather in his gymnasium," Meg said. "You've earned it."

Kevin and Meg stood around idly and smiled at each other. Meg took his hand, and they walk to the bed together.

When Kevin took a seat, he sank into the mattress.

Meg had forgotten about the mattress! When he went too deep, Meg tried to pull him out.

"Hang on, Kevin!" Meg called.

But she got sucked in too.

Meg and Kevin both hit the bottom.

They shared a chuckle as Meg moved her hair that was covering her blushing face. The next hour was spent sharing kisses in the air chamber.

**Scene III - Goodbye**

Two days later, Meg was sitting in the living room reading a book in front of the fireplace. She stopped reading momentarily, sighed, and reclined in her chair. Having become the new Pewterschmidt heir, with a much brighter future ahead, things could not have been better.

Meriwether came in with two daily newspapers. He gave one to Meg.

"Thank you," she said.

As she turned to the Town & Region section, she read an article that caught her attention.

It was a story about poverty. What was more surprising than the article itself was that the subject of it was none other than the Griffin family!

In front of the fire in the fireplace, Meg read the article, describing in-depth her family's situation.

Suddenly, Meg began to feel guilt and concern. Outside, snow began falling as the skies dimmed on that cold afternoon.

Then, she saw a picture on the coffee table of her Uncle Patrick. His face was crossed out in red marker.

It all came together. Meg enjoyed her new aristocratic lifestyle, one that was built in her favor. Yet somehow, it was not her place.

Later, she explained to her grandparents and Meriwether why, two days before Christmas, she had to suddenly return home.

"Why? Why does this keep happening to us?!" Babs was disappointed at Meg's sudden decision to leave.

"My family needs me, Nana," said Meg. "They're going down under, and not to Sydney."

Meg wondered where she heard that expression before.

"But what about all of the horrible st they do to you?" Carter asked. "What about their failure to get an abortion, and their constant attempts to do away with you?"

"And who's going to host our Christmas feast?" Babs asked, as her eyes swelled with tears.

"Don't worry about the food," Meg said as she walked over to Meriwether. "Mr. Meriwether will take care of it."

Carter and Babs were skeptical.

"I know he can," Meg said.

Meg and Meriwether gave each other a smile.

When Babs wiped the tears from her eyes, she said, "Please, Megan. Think about all of the warmth, happiness, and security we've given you."

"I have thought about it…long and hard," Meg explained, "and words cannot express my gratitude you guys have shown me."

Carter and Babs smiled for a moment.

"But," Meg continued, "There is an apparent lack of morale when it comes to 'family'.

The whole reason I'm here is not only because of my own family, but because neither Mom, Aunt Carol, or Uncle Patrick are interested in your wealth. You guys 'erased' Uncle Patrick from your family when he became a basketcase. My own family rips on me and secretly wishes me dead, because, well, they _are_ assholes.

And that point has been proven the hard way. But as far as I'm concerned, the Griffins are just going to have to live with a daughter they don't want. They're too stupid to say, but they need me more than I need them."

For a long moment, everyone and everything feel silent, as Carter and Babs thought about Meg's assessment.

"Goodbye," Meg said.

As Meg walked to the door, Carter cleared his throat.

"Wait," he said. Meg stopped.

He said, "Listen, Meg, you…can go back to your family if you really need to. And um, uh…here."

Carter gave her a check. It was worth $150,000. Meg's jaw dropped.

"Is this for true?" Meg asked.

"Think of it as a gift," Carter said.

Meg smiled, and gave her grandparents a final hug.

"Goodbye," Meg said. "I love you guys."

Meg was about to exit.

"Wait!" said Meriwether.

He handed Meg her Christmas present.

"Godspeed, sport!" He said.

Meg smiled.

And with that, Meg set off in the cold snow, back to her family in Quahog.

**Scene IV – Home for the Holidays**

That afternoon, when Meg set foot on Spooner Street, the whole neighborhood was blanketed with pure white snow.

She saw Cleveland shoveling the snow off his driveway. Cleveland noticed her, and gave her a wave. Meg waved back.

She then saw Quagmire making a voluptuous snow woman. He gave her a wave. She waved back, cringing at his creepy snow lady.

She saw Kevin brushing the snow off of his parents' car. He noticed her, and blew her a kiss. Meg caught it, and blushed.

Meg walked up to her house, which by then, was in shambles. The living room window was boarded up.

Inside, the Griffin family gathered on the couch in silence. Peter held in his trembling hand an eviction notice for the following morning.

It was hopeless. Lois was in rehab. The house was in shambles. Everyone was dirty and hungry. And with very few of their bills and tickets paid off, they were about to be evicted from their house.

The front door opened slowly.

Everyone turned around, and they saw Meg entering.

"Meg!" Peter gasped.

"You're back!" Chris shouted.

Peter, Chris, Brian, and Stewie all gathered around to hug her.

"I really missed you guys," Meg said.

"Wait a minute," Stewie stated. "How do we know you're not here to brag about your wealth? Why not just get us too for our poor health!"

"Oh, Stewie…" Meg picked up Stewie and kissed him on the forehead. Stewie cringed and held back a vomit gesture.

"I got you guys a little Christmas cheer."

"How big a little Christmas cheer?" Peter inquired.

Meg handed him an envelope. Peter opened it, and saw a check for $150,000.

"Holy crap!" Peter gasped.

He read the note that was attached to the check.

_"Dear Griffins, _

_This is a check to get your family back on track. Consider this a grandparents' intervention._

_Sincerely,_

_Carter Pewterschmidt"_

"Wow, this is enough to pay off those bills and tickets, and then some!" Peter said happily.

"But what are we going to do?" Brian asked. "The landlord is going to be here tomorrow morning."

Meg huddled the family in a group.

"Listen guys," she began, "if we're going to set things right, we're going to have to work together. Each of us is going to have to take up a different task."

She pointed to a fatigued Brian. "Brian, you get started paying those bills."

"Aye aye," Brian replied.

Meg pointed to Chris. "Chris, you have to clean this house from top to bottom. No cutting corners."

"Right," Chris said.

Meg pointed to Stewie. "Stewie, you hang up the Christmas decorations."

"Oh great," Stewie complained, "like there aren't enough child labor problems in this worl---ah, okay."

Meg pointed to Peter. "Dad, go out and get us a _good_ Christmas tree."

"But I like the paper mache tree I made," Peter whined. He pointed to a fake tree made of cardboard and paper mache colored sloppily with a green marker. The mache started to crumble off.

"Just go," Meg insisted. "And while you're at it, we need to replace the living room window."

"Wait, what are _you_ going to do?" Peter asked.

"I'm going to be cooking the dinner," Meg answered.

Peter groaned, but was stopped short by a nudge from Brian.

"Okay everyone, let's go!" Meg clapped her hands and dismissed the group. Everyone dispersed into their individual assignments.

**Scene V – Christmas Eve**

And so, the Griffins worked well into the night, cranking up calculators, filling out unpaid tickets, balancing checkbooks, vacuuming carpets, mopping floors, dusting furniture, coordinating light fixtures, decorating the new Christmas tree, fixing the living room window, skimming thru cook books, digging up old recipes, and heating the oven with each new dish. It was a powerhouse at 31 Spooner Street.

The next morning, the family was so tired, that they had fallen asleep either at the desk, on the stairs, on the ladder by the window, under the Christmas tree, or in the kitchen. But by then, everything was all prepared for the Christmas holiday. And yet another new blanket of fresh, crispy snow had covered Quahog.

The doorbell rang. It kept ringing as Peter woke up and answered it.

It was the landlord.

He took a look at the house. It was spic and span.

"I say", said the landlord, "y'all have done a mighty fine job cleaning up the place."

Then he smelled something delicious. "Is that apple pie?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah," said Peter. "It's from my daughter."

"Well, glory hallelujah!" the landlord exclaimed. "What kind of Scrooge would I be to evict y'all on such an occasion?"

"You…you mean no living in cardboard boxes and eating dirty socks?" Peter asked. "We get to stay?"

"Absolutely," the landlord replied satisfactorily. He stamped off his clipboard, giving 31 Spooner Street his approval.

"Y'all have a Merry Christmas!" the landlord said. He took off, never to be seen or heard from again.

Peter stood at his front door, and looked at a sparkling star in the morning sky.

"Thank you, Jesus," he said solemnly.

The star twinkled brightly, and could be seen all throughout Quahog.

**Scene VIII – Christmas Day**

The next morning, it was Christmas Day.

At the Pewterschmidts, Carter and Babs were prepared to eat at their annual Christmas feast. They even invited Patrick just for the occasion.

Meriwether placed a big plump ham on the table.

"Bon appetite," he said.

The whole group happily ate the meal that Meriwether spent most of the night on. It was the greatest meal they ever had.

Back in Quahog, as the day progressed, it was a warm, inviting day at the Griffins' residence. Lois had returned from rehab the previous day.

Brian and Stewie were enjoying some rounds of egg nog in the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" asked Brian.

"I'm touching this egg nog up with a hint of cinnamon," Stewie replied.

"Stewie," said Brian, "you can't put cinnamon in egg nog."

Stewie tried to mix the spice into the nog, and tasted the uneven flavoring.

"_Now_ he tells me," Stewie said.

Peter and Lois were sitting on the living room couch, watching the Christmas Day Parade.

"Oh Peter," Lois said. "Isn't it wonderful that we're a family again?"

"It sure is," Peter replied. "By the way, how is your alcohol treatment going?"

"It's going fine," Lois stated. "Except I wish I didn't have to wear this annoying bracelet."

She revealed on her leg an electronic alcohol monitoring bracelet. It played _"Deck the Halls"_, and read on its screen, _"Don't drink! Happy Holidays!"_

Peter chuckled, "Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, sweet." He popped open a Pawtucket ale, and drank it.

Up in Meg's room, Meg, Chris, Kevin, and Meg's friends were gathered around sitting, laughing, and snacking while music played on Meg's radio.

Meg was wearing a stitched sweater that Meriwether had given her for Christmas. She and Kevin were sitting on the bed.

"Meg, do you miss being rich?" Kevin asked.

"Eh, kinda," Meg lamented. "But families are supposed to stick together, thru the thick and thin."

"I suppose," Kevin said.

He thought of something else.

"I guess this means you're not the Pewterschmidt heir anymore."

"Oh, I'm still the heir," Meg said. She whispered, "It's in their living will."

The two shared a smile, and puckered up for a kiss.

Chris joined Meg's friends on their laughing and dancing to the song, _"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"_.

"This holiday _rocks_!" Chris exclaimed.

He then took out a bubble wand, and blew a large bubble.

Meg and Kevin were still kissing, when the bubble loomed towards Meg and touched her hair. Meg turned around, and was once again staring at an ominous bubble.

"Chris, no!" she screamed.

She tried running, but it was no use. She got sucked right into the bubble.

Everyone stopped in their tracks and gasped at what had happened. Then they all shared a big laugh as they continued snacking and dancing away.

Meg screamed as her bubble floated away.

**T****h****e ****E****n****d**


End file.
